maybe i'm finally on a normal level of sad.
iv been reasonably stable lately.
which is huge.
iv never been stable in my whole entire life.
now, after everything;
the teenage rebellion,
the church fuck ups,
lifes mishaps...
i'm turning 20's ugly corner in just over 7ish months.
and now im happy, now im stable, now im confident, now im content.
but what has caused this?
i practically dont go to church anymore.
my bible has moved from my bedside table to my bookshelf in my wardrobe.
my notebook lays under sheets of paper on my desk.
i skip church songs when they come on as im typing away on this computer.
although sometimes i leave them on...
cos i dont have a grudge against god
i smoke shisha
i smoke cigarettes
will probably start smoking weed again
i know too much about movies
and know well over a thousand different bands and genres lol..
i spend money i shouldnt spend on books
books that take me away, into stories full of insight and dreams, emotion and life, adventure and being...
i wear clothes that clearly someone 50 years ago would have worn as the everyday wear
i have the worst nail biting habit ever
i wear sunglasses way too much
i like my toys probably too much also
i own too many bubbles for my own good
i like watching the sunset, pretty sure its apart of me
and wer connected somehow..lol
i drink occasionally
but my medication permits me that i keep away from binge drinking
unless i want to damage my liver a second time
ha..
i notice that i hardly worry anymore
i dont have panic attacks anymore
i dont hide under my bed sheets in despair anymore
i think, i daydream, but im not depressed and feeling empty anymore
i dont feel alot. but is that the point?
no..im..just. im actually me for once.
i'm hannah rose dostine
i write
i paint
i read
i think
i listen
i talk
i play on playgrounds, climb trees, enjoy cartoons
i watch too many films
eat too many lollies on occasions
crack too many stupid jokes
wear alot of funny looking clothes,
well atleast get weird looks haha
and talk more about aimless shit than anyone i know.
this is me and im getting weirder and more intelligent by the day
and its fun. lol..
i dont hate god
i dont hate church
i dont hate christians
yeah they annoy me sometimes
yeah church frustrates me sometimes
but i wont be surprised if i never ditch or diss God in my entire existence, ever.
after everything, i still love him.
i still believe in God, no questions about it.
its quite plain and simple for me
god is not the issue





life is.
hmm.
i dont know.
maybe.

Daydream

i do this too much
and my parents would get frustrated with me alot
but i daydream. like, alot. ha..
but imagine another world...
im sure there are many places we can go to
without even leaving our rooms...
mm..
just.

finding neverland

Peter: This is absurd. It's just a dog.
J.M. Barrie: Just a dog? *Just*?
[to Porthos]
J.M. Barrie: Porthos, don't listen to him!
[to Peter]
J.M. Barrie: Porthos dreams of being a bear, and you want to shatter those dreams by saying he's *just* a dog? What a horrible candle-snuffing word. That's like saying, "He can't climb that mountain, he's just a man", or "That's not a diamond, it's just a rock." Just.

the swamp of sadness. whoever let the sadness become too much and take them over, they would sink.

atreyu: Artex! You're sinking! No! Don't let the sadness overtake you. please..i love you, you're my only friend.

frig this part was so sad
but really, it makes a good conveyance of depression
mhm..

shit.

"get in there and commit suicide."
fuck..
has my mind been reduced to an actual childs when it comes to reactions?
i had a nightmare last night,
awoke in a sweat and heavily breathing.
i began crying, out of terrible fear.
it was like i needed to go sleep in my parents room after that because i went downstairs to see if by any chance ellen might still be awake.
she wasnt. but that was okay though.
i went back up to my room,
grabbed henry,
changed the cd to bon iver and simply snuggled in my bed with henry sniffling and tryna think of happy thoughts.
it was a horrible, horrible dream.
i'm even more frightened that it may be a nightmare that means something..
i want a dream catcher..

i want some cartoon tattoo.
maybe even moreso something iv made up but only really a proffessional can draw for me. something that resembles my quirky existence and silly nature. lol. thats all

Elizabeth: [to Polly] I'm not afraid of you!
Fred: Finally, the magic words!

i'm gonna miss you. a whole freaking lot.
i already do miss you.
so much.
heaps.
stax.
A LOT!
so many thousand timesss.

school is starting.
time for some scheming
kidnap her! :P
yay for looking forward to spending my weeks on trains to your school miss clarey, ya turd.
xox

But who can say that the clock's numbers aren't peeping from rectangular windows, where i see every minute fall on me with a click like the blade of a guillotine?
- If on a winter's night a traveler.

I wish i could write better.

Gravity

i realised how much i act like a plane, or as if i have wings...

i wanna believe that we originally had wings.

this is beginning to look like a nightmare,
or worse,
a daydream.

time changes everything

nothing can erase the past,
only perspectives change.

"You see when something's not working right, the best thing to do is tear it apart to make it better."

i cant wait for february the fourteenth :P

Glosoli

now you are waking up
everything seems different
i look around
but i see nothing at all

tie my shoes so
is she still in her pyjamas?
in a dream she was born
i'm startled
but the sun, is it her?
where is she? in here?

but where are you...?

go for a walk
and roam the streets
can't see a thing
and so i use the stars
she runs endlessly
and climbs out thus
she's the glowing sun
and comes out

i awake from a dream
to find my heart pounding
my hair tousled
step out in front of the bed and see filthy shoes

and here you are, i'm feeling
and here you are, glowing sun
and here you are, glowing sun
and here you are, glowing sun
and here you are...

...sorry

haha
ah i miss this movie
must watch it again soon

i heart NatalieDee

Fly. or. Die.

Twins <3

i dont know what this feeling is
i'm happy
maybe because i've adjusted so well to a cloudy mind
depression, despair and anxiety
iv never really felt at ease in my life
but i do at this moment
i feel content
i feel at rest
i feel happy
i am happy
i am happy :)
with you
with life
maybe its the medication thats kicked in
i dont really care if it is or is not
im not so worried anymore
just about, life in general
im at ease, im happy
and thats all i can ask for really.

Pacifist?
Christian?
Humanist?
Other?
I don't know
whatever
i dont really mind right now
im just living
for once

you mean everything.

everyone does.

but that doesnt decrease your significance.

thats right, you are significant.

at least to me.

and i barely know you.

i love you, smellen.

Nobodies Perfect, and That's Okay.

there will be a day when we won't care
and it'll all be okay.

...i hope someday you will join us
and the world will live as one.

cant wait til february 24th!!! :D

all time low

the almost

dance gavin dance

will all be rockin at the hi fi bar
along with quinton and i who will be getting their moshing moves on
yayerrrrrr :D