laugh until your brain pops through your eyes

maybe i'm finally on a normal level of sad.
iv been reasonably stable lately.
which is huge.
iv never been stable in my whole entire life.
now, after everything;
the teenage rebellion,
the church fuck ups,
lifes mishaps...
i'm turning 20's ugly corner in just over 7ish months.
and now im happy, now im stable, now im confident, now im content.
but what has caused this?
i practically dont go to church anymore.
my bible has moved from my bedside table to my bookshelf in my wardrobe.
my notebook lays under sheets of paper on my desk.
i skip church songs when they come on as im typing away on this computer.
although sometimes i leave them on...
cos i dont have a grudge against god
i smoke shisha
i smoke cigarettes
will probably start smoking weed again
i know too much about movies
and know well over a thousand different bands and genres lol..
i spend money i shouldnt spend on books
books that take me away, into stories full of insight and dreams, emotion and life, adventure and being...
i wear clothes that clearly someone 50 years ago would have worn as the everyday wear
i have the worst nail biting habit ever
i wear sunglasses way too much
i like my toys probably too much also
i own too many bubbles for my own good
i like watching the sunset, pretty sure its apart of me
and wer connected somehow..lol
i drink occasionally
but my medication permits me that i keep away from binge drinking
unless i want to damage my liver a second time
ha..
i notice that i hardly worry anymore
i dont have panic attacks anymore
i dont hide under my bed sheets in despair anymore
i think, i daydream, but im not depressed and feeling empty anymore
i dont feel alot. but is that the point?
no..im..just. im actually me for once.
i'm hannah rose dostine
i write
i paint
i read
i think
i listen
i talk
i play on playgrounds, climb trees, enjoy cartoons
i watch too many films
eat too many lollies on occasions
crack too many stupid jokes
wear alot of funny looking clothes,
well atleast get weird looks haha
and talk more about aimless shit than anyone i know.
this is me and im getting weirder and more intelligent by the day
and its fun. lol..
i dont hate god
i dont hate church
i dont hate christians
yeah they annoy me sometimes
yeah church frustrates me sometimes
but i wont be surprised if i never ditch or diss God in my entire existence, ever.
after everything, i still love him.
i still believe in God, no questions about it.
its quite plain and simple for me
god is not the issue





life is.
hmm.
i dont know.
maybe.