so i borrowed this book from the library and i got a bit glued to it and actually found it quite interesting and enjoyable. now im minorly forcing lil to hurry up and read it. baha.
'Love's not a cake,' I say.
'You don't carve it into pieces 'til there's none left,
it's more like the magic pudding - the more you use of it, the more it grows.'
"My mind is shouting,
and i sure as anything want to let out a big scream.
I didn't want to be different,
I wanted to be sane,
and i'm taking the tablets but still feeling all these fears.
Like what if the drugs don't work and i do something terrible?
And what if they do work and i've killed my only friend?"
"Not every sufferer has a Jamie in his life, of course, they have other delusions and fears. Every individual has his individual hell, but it felt good coming into the open leaving the past a bit more behind.
Eddie said, 'Write it all downm poetry, songs, diary, drawings, just get it out in the open.'
'Already doing that, sir,' I said. But it feels good having two sane people on my side."
"I need friends, but what would they say if they really knew me?"
"But perhaps there are more moments of sensitivity that open themselves to these people. You don't have to be mad to be creative, but you have to see things from an original perspective."
Saturday, December 26, 2009
mm...
How can we love people with a capacity of love that we ourselves dont even hold for ourselves?
9 months
that's how long i'm being put on anti depressants for.
mm..they're called 'cymbalta'. interesting.
i'll find out in 3 weeks wether they work at all...i'm frightened.
i'm scared of not being able to control how i'm feeling...But maybe it'll help me fight this disease i've had for 5. friggin. years.
Maybe...i have no clue
i hate depression, with a passion
"i find the comfort in being sad..." - Kurt Cobain
mm..they're called 'cymbalta'. interesting.
i'll find out in 3 weeks wether they work at all...i'm frightened.
i'm scared of not being able to control how i'm feeling...But maybe it'll help me fight this disease i've had for 5. friggin. years.
Maybe...i have no clue
i hate depression, with a passion
"i find the comfort in being sad..." - Kurt Cobain
hoping
i look out at the stars every night before i sleep.
i dont know why
i guess i never want to forget..
im gonna miss these times once i realise they've passed.
But i'll always remember the stars...
i dont know why
i guess i never want to forget..
im gonna miss these times once i realise they've passed.
But i'll always remember the stars...
we pretend
we pretend
that everything is okay
so we dont become a bother
because we dont want to ruin happy thoughts
we hide
because wev given up trying
so not trying at all is living dead
no more hope to be found
we stay masked
because its the only way
the only way;
no real portraits
nothing.
that everything is okay
so we dont become a bother
because we dont want to ruin happy thoughts
we hide
because wev given up trying
so not trying at all is living dead
no more hope to be found
we stay masked
because its the only way
the only way;
no real portraits
nothing.
Okay
i dont feel fit enough to be able to help anyone anymore, i dont think i am much help anyway, so its alright.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
My life is I Don't Know
I read your blog "belief".
yes, my boom experiences are over
but my Jesus experience isn't over, just yet
really, maybe its only just beginning.
2010 will be the first year out of being a school kid, a boom kid, an intern, a boom leader,
after serving, after being obliged to be a apart of anything. what am i now? a church attendee.
naa. i'm me, and i can have whatever lifestyle i want now. i'm not working, yet. i'm not going
to uni. i'm just me, whatever that is. a many things i suppose. But i'm not sure what i believe
anymore.
But i do believe in this; i believe in love and hope.
i believe in faith and conviction
i believe in being yourself, as hard and confusing as we make it.
i believe in standing up for what you believe in
i believe in imagination, and not being afraid of it.
i believe in all these nice ideas and concepts
But is my life a reflection of them?
maybe
maybe i just enjoy the ideas
and get to scared to actually try live them
i don't know...
my life is i don't know
and it can be whatever i want it to be
Everything.
yes, my boom experiences are over
but my Jesus experience isn't over, just yet
really, maybe its only just beginning.
2010 will be the first year out of being a school kid, a boom kid, an intern, a boom leader,
after serving, after being obliged to be a apart of anything. what am i now? a church attendee.
naa. i'm me, and i can have whatever lifestyle i want now. i'm not working, yet. i'm not going
to uni. i'm just me, whatever that is. a many things i suppose. But i'm not sure what i believe
anymore.
But i do believe in this; i believe in love and hope.
i believe in faith and conviction
i believe in being yourself, as hard and confusing as we make it.
i believe in standing up for what you believe in
i believe in imagination, and not being afraid of it.
i believe in all these nice ideas and concepts
But is my life a reflection of them?
maybe
maybe i just enjoy the ideas
and get to scared to actually try live them
i don't know...
my life is i don't know
and it can be whatever i want it to be
Everything.
Car Trouble.
Stupid car, may have cooked the motor. if so it's goodbye car. crap.
and im so over trains. i like them sometimes but the rest of the time i hate them, but i dont
even know why cos i normally actually enjoy long train rides. ha..ANYWAY.
i hate how practical things can trigger mental things.
i never thought i'd ever be one of those people who let everything out by anger.
Such bitterness and frustration has welled up in me lately. like every single emotion i've been
feeling has all run together and turned itself into one big ball of anger and irritation.
No one really knows me then i guess, because i'm 'the quite one', passive and placid, kind
and would never hurt anything. But maybe it's not true, well atleast half true.
I could've bashed you til your whole body was a different colour, til you begged me to stop i
wouldn't have stopped.
you kept egging me on and i almost snapped.
But i don't want to snap.
i love people too much, i care too much.
i dont want people to see that side of me.
i know it would ruin alot of things.
i am all for honesty and being yourself.
i love people being themselves, including me.
and i am myself,
but maybe i don't want to be my whole self.
some parts of myself i just dont want anyone to see
Are we all like that?
Parts of ourselves that are just too embarrassing,
shameful,
that we ourselves are afraid of
parts of ourselves that we dont ever want to come out
But its almost happening to me
my real,
whole self is comng out to everyone
wanting to say hello...
and it's making me shit scared to the max.
and im so over trains. i like them sometimes but the rest of the time i hate them, but i dont
even know why cos i normally actually enjoy long train rides. ha..ANYWAY.
i hate how practical things can trigger mental things.
i never thought i'd ever be one of those people who let everything out by anger.
Such bitterness and frustration has welled up in me lately. like every single emotion i've been
feeling has all run together and turned itself into one big ball of anger and irritation.
No one really knows me then i guess, because i'm 'the quite one', passive and placid, kind
and would never hurt anything. But maybe it's not true, well atleast half true.
I could've bashed you til your whole body was a different colour, til you begged me to stop i
wouldn't have stopped.
you kept egging me on and i almost snapped.
But i don't want to snap.
i love people too much, i care too much.
i dont want people to see that side of me.
i know it would ruin alot of things.
i am all for honesty and being yourself.
i love people being themselves, including me.
and i am myself,
but maybe i don't want to be my whole self.
some parts of myself i just dont want anyone to see
Are we all like that?
Parts of ourselves that are just too embarrassing,
shameful,
that we ourselves are afraid of
parts of ourselves that we dont ever want to come out
But its almost happening to me
my real,
whole self is comng out to everyone
wanting to say hello...
and it's making me shit scared to the max.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
what to do now
nothing
i dont have to be looking for work for the next three months since i have a medical certificate that says im not 'fit' to be doing so..mm
art galleries
shisha
people
writing
reading
day to day stuff
fun fun..
maybe ill write letters to myself
ha..
im sure ill get my license in that period of time tho :P
yay yays for me.
and i have plenty of bubbles! yusss
Where The Wild Things Are
i finally saw this today
soooo sad
man
dont we all wish we could make everything better..
yeah?
mm
it was quite intense too
man
man man mann..
and you..
you txted me later after we said bye
i dont really know what to say to those questions right now..
mm again
Everything, Nothing & Anything.
i hadnt heard your voice in ohhh sooo long...yet when it came to catching up on each others lives, i couldnt tell you what had happened two weeks before...i just couldnt..but why? youv always been there, and even though geographically its been hard, you're still here...i dont know...im sorry.
i love you, i hope we're able to roadtrip up north just to see you :)
i love you, i hope we're able to roadtrip up north just to see you :)
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
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