"leave your toys at home, get on the train already, okay catch the next one, or the one after that..."

i'm legal, twenty years old in 6ish months
i can smoke, which i do, of multiple substances
i can drink, which i also do, german beer rocks my frocks
i can go out, the birmingham hotel stages some of the best bands in town
yet, i don't
well, sometimes. but hardly
not often
but i should.
really, im supposed to
not just because its fun
but because its healthy
its healthy to be in the fresh air and around human beings
im around rats and a dog all week, clearly im not healthy, or even normal for that matter!
i plan to go out, i do
but everytime at the last moment
i get scared and decide to stay in, i bail on myself, every week
and i read a book
or lay aimlessly on my bed staring at my ceiling, daydreaming.

its like agoraphobia slash depression slash reoccurring panic attacks slash minor setbacks slash minor laziness slash limited money
but i need to get out
because really, being amongst these four walls of my room is slowly sub consciously sending me loopy. probably.

but i noticed.
i'm going out tomorrow, and i was gonna bail again,
mainly because its gonna be 34 FRIGGIN DEGREES!
sheesh.
but i invited Quinton along, unintentionally.
so now, i have reason to go out. i cant back down.
people motivate me to leave my front door, or else id never leave my room
because i dont mind bailing on myself, but i hate being shit like that to actual people.

but seriously, people joke about being anti social
but i actually for real am anti social. like, unhealthily
yes im on medication, but it doesnt solve everything, if anything
even when im asked out somewhere, due to my weird medical condition and personality,
i actually bail and make lame excuses not to go
because at the same time i dislike being around people.
i dont talk alot, yet at the same time i have magnificent skill in rambling
but i did converse just this evening for the first time in ages
for 45 minutes. ha..it was a simple conversation, but the fact is that i never converse properly week in week out like that. as easy and normal that may sound to you. whatever :)

but normal for me, it can freak me out, just a little bit
im still not over the fact that i have a medical condition.
like, legitimate bipolar and that my dosage of anti depressants will most likely need to go up (currently at 60mg)
geez.
And getting out and about is one of the things the doctor did say i should do
but seriously
i hardly get out
depression gives you desire to do nothing, you lose the meaning behind anything so just lay in bed all day, nothing motivates you, thats why its such a struggle sometimes
i get out twice a week if that

mm...okay some initiative hannah
op shops
gigs
art galleries
cinemas
things i do when i go out
they sound fun yeah? yeahhhhh..

tomorrow can be a new start.