I remember the days that you needed me.
You don’t seem to need me anymore.
So why stick around?
I’m just some weird nineteen year old dork anyway.

i would rescue you if you let me.
can people who need rescuing themselves still try save others though
...?

fail.

not at all

i hate being sick and weak and not knowing why.
clare it wasn't you
i hadn't had my medication for two nights
almost three, but i ended up having it last night
good good i suppose

“When you’re unhappy, I guess everything in the world – reading, eating, sleeping – has something buried somewhere inside it that just makes you unhappier.”

- A long way down, Nick Hornby

2:02am

wow just checked the time and a message comes through.

thanks quin :)

Sir butt face fairhall,
I’m sorry i bailed on as I lay dying…I’m so fucking sorry.
What a let down. today was hard, getting out of my bed let alone my room, let alone my house and actual suburb..
Thanks for the couple of updates though.
im glad to read that you enjoyed it greatly.
Missing you.

it was love at first sight.
uhuh, i liked this movie very very much.

“Jen was a reader, though. She loved her books, but they scared me. They scared me when she was around, and they scare me even more now. What was in them? What did they say to her, when she was unhappy and listening only to them and to no one else – not her friends, not her sister, no one?”

- A long way down, Nick Hornby

There are lots of good reasons to lose your faith.

To distract myself from the invisible

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free
Har har, har har, har har, har har

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
You were made to meet your maker

“This is how I feel, everyday, and people don’t want to know that. They want to know that I’m feeling what Tom Jones makes you feel. Or that Australian girl who used to be on neighbours. But I feel like this, and they won’t play what I feel on the radio, because people that are sad don’t fit in.”

- a long way down, Nick Hornby

I really need to talk about this with someone.
My thoughts are not right.
It’s too much for any friend to be able to handle and deal with.
I need my doctor.
I don’t think I have a choice anymore.
Death is the only choice.
But it can’t be.
Not this time.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck


fuck

Carl Barker by Dance Gavin Dance

There's no sense in me saying that life doesn't matter
It doesn't matter, it never mattered
Well I have Sunday so maybe we'll finish this chapter
I can't ever finish this chapter
And now at this moment I don't know what else to think
There's no sense in me saying "I guess I still miss you"

(So now I see things in faces examine the suspects)
(Get the d out your mouth)
(You'll tell everyone that "it's so much fun")
(Say to all my friends it never ends)
(While were driving through all the alleyways)
(We picked up some happiness on the way)

I'll tell everyone that it's so much fun
Say to all your friends it never ends
While we're driving through all the alley ways
I picked up some happiness on the way

Just because you move your hips
Doesn't mean that you exist
Just because you move your lips
Doesn't mean that you exist
Can we just take a fucking break
Cause I feel like I've got nothing left
Nothing left

I guess I still miss you
Oh well it's me and you
What else should we do
But talking's for functioning people
I guess I still miss you
But talking's for functioning people
I guess I still miss you whoaaaa

You'd always say we'll win the lottery someday
So I wouldn't have to go away
I should have known that I'd had it all along
But I didn't know til' you were gone

(Let's see you function now)
(Touch your nose, jump around)

(Forklifts they go in trucks)
(Jeeze you just made this tough)
(Pick up the typo trash)
(Who brought those cups and plates?)
(What do celebrities do?)
(Dancing without a clue)
(Drinking their life away)
(Gamble with everyday)

Just because you move your hips
Doesn't mean that you exist
Just because you move your lips
Doesn't mean that you exist
Can we just take a fucking break
Cause I feel like I got nothing left
Nothing left

I guess I still miss you
Oh well it's me and you
What else should we do
But talking's for functioning people
I guess I still miss you
But talking's for functioning people
I guess I still miss you whoaaaa

You'd always say we'll win the lottery someday
So I wouldn't have to go away
I should have known that I'd had it all along
But I didn't know til' you were gone

You'd always say we'll win the lottery someday
So I wouldn't have to go away

“you know that things aren’t going well for you when you can’t even tell people the simplest fact about your life, just because they’ll presume you’re asking them to feel sorry for you. I suppose it’s why you feel so far from everyone, in the end; anything you can think of to tell them just ends up making them feel terrible.”

- A long way down, Nick Hornby

you make it better by simply being with me. Here, There and everywhere :)

you wouldn’t know but I just quoted a song by the beatles tehe

ps. I love you

ahahaha

Now my heart stumbles on things I don’t know
the weakness I feel I must finally show
Lend me your hand and we’ll conquer them all
lend me your heart and I’ll just let you fall

Monotone verse

Feeling nothing

This is relapse

No stare

Nothing

No movement

This is beyond oppression

I need to get away

I’m dying

This is killing me

Really killing me

I dreamt that I had slurpee after slurpee but stayed dehydrated.
I dreamt I ran away from home but kept going back for friends or clothes,
I dreamt people came with me but I didn’t know who they were.
I dreamt of dinosaurs with no heads.
I dreamt of spiders and snakes out to get me,
I was scared but couldn’t run because I was stuck in tree branches.
I never have the falling dream anymore. But I always dream where I see my foot steps down, as if stepping down onto a step, obviously. But nothing is there so I fall and I’m suddenly free falling off of a building, so basically the falling dream, but isn’t just a falling dream where I feel like I’m falling. Like I previously explained, that’s the detail I get every time now. Weird.
Then it awakes me up in a rush
And I try to breathe and I’m sweating
I can’t get comfortable every night
I wake up every hour of the night
2:33, 3:45, 4:43, 5:20…
I’m telling my doctor about you, and then maybe it’ll scare the discomfort and mean cluttered dreams away that won’t stop disrupting my sleep.

Xox

Solitude.

I like having my phone on silent.
No interruptions. No noise. No voices.

Silence is bliss

You know you can't give me what I need
And even though you mean so much to me
I can wait through everything
Is this really happening?
I swear I'll never be happy again
And don't you dare say we can just be friends
I'm not some boy that you can sway
We knew it'd happen eventually

you don't get it

You don’t know me, you don’t even care.
You don’t know me, you don’t wear my chains.

everyone can appear dandy over the internet

iv already read so many books this year i cant remember half of them...

if on a winter's night a traveller - italo calvino
juliet, naked - nick hornby
thirteen reasons why - jay asher
good bye jamie boyd - elizabeth fensham
a ton of zines - adventure time by maddy phelan, my favourite <3
a quote book, one that leans more towards the new age side of things haha
it's not how good you are, it's how good you want to be - paul arden
two spongebob comics :)
and a few other books from the library i cant recall

currently reading...

purpose for the pain - renee yohe
a long way down - nick hornby
the sorrows of young werther - goethe
lewis carroll in numberland - robin wilson
plus fifteen other books but these are the main ones im reading at the moment, baha.

i likes reading :p

fuck this hate.

damn straight. :)

i love everyone.
that includes you.
yes you, the person who's reading this right now
you're sitting at a desk, on the couch, in your bed
somewhere in your house, or maybe on the train
anyway
yeah you...i love you :P

not anymore

maybe things only go well, or things only work if your mind believes it will
cos dont you think that could be the case with alot of things?
i mean, after the first few weeks the pills made me feel happy and i was never depressed, because i was told that after a few weeks theyd take their affect. so i was expecting they would and so they did.
but now i just take them cos i have to and think it wont make a difference to anything.
and thats what happens..
hmmm

Loneliness is my number one killer

“The cure for unhappiness is happiness; I don’t care what anyone says.”

- Elizabeth McCracken, Niagara falls all over again

i hate me

"If you have built castles in the air,
your work need not be lost;
That is where they should be.
Now put the foundations under them.”

- Henry David Thoreau

i find peace in solitude.